Dear weblings & earthlings,

Its been almost 2 orbits round Suria the sun since tis forlorn page gotten fresh blood as it were! Dear page, i am sorry, but lets rejoice in this moment where fate/God's hands has guided our path to cross once again! A toast to you.

Perhaps, for diaries' sake, a re-cap of major (in the subjective way) occurences in the space of time's line would augur well.

After the mid year exams in around end June-early July 2005, i made my way back to Malaysia for the short winter/term break. Enroute Melbourne airport with Ms Bernice Maria Tan. As i remember it, i had just done my laundry on the morning of the evening dued flight to Melbourne. The weather was wet, as was the general sentiments of that year's winter. Therefore i had desperately tried to dry my clothes on heaters and such other creative ways. Ah, yes, i do recall passing the key to my room to my kind (and now engaged) comrade-neigbour : Ms Wee See, to her good hands i handed the clothes. Before this, i had rushed to Bernice's place with the bucket of semi dried clothes, quite distraught, as a matter of fact, of what to do with them. And so i discovered that we were only dued to leave, really at a later time than was informed to me before. I was angered and perhaps lashed at out Ms Bernice. Bernice had told me an earlier time for fear that i might be delayed (as is iconic of me). Still, i was quite angered by it all. She stated that she was not happy with my expression of anger as such, and then that it was a bygone to be put aside. I must say that this is one of the things that made me appreciate much of my relationship with Bernice, that it was upfront and bygones were let to lie low.

So then at Melbourne airport, my aunt and uncle were there and passed me some boxes of fruits to be brought back to Malaysia. In Malaysia, i had arrived just in time to meet my sister who left either the same day itself or the very next day (back to the UK). At the end of the 2-3weeks holiday, i brought back with me frozen curry and vegetables made with love by grandmama. (these last me for months on end). Thereafter, very shortly after returning, a fell sick in a serious way and was in bed most times. I thought sometimes that if i were to die, no one would have even noticed it for days or weeks on end. In this time, Irene, my back housemate, did the most wonderful thing for me. She cooked for me, ah, was i ever more grateful. Someone cared for me in a practical way.

Shortly after, just as i got well (i think) i met up with the firsts internet friends i made in Adelaide. This was to be the start of the revelation of one aspect of me. Simply said, people came and went, but i am glad for them. I was set free in a huge sense from these associations. Then in me emerged feelings of despair which led up to sessions with a 'shrink' lady. I am eternally glad to meet the angels that i met. The professor which i met once, answered my rather depressive question of my self worth with "You are worthy because you are a human being". That was a revelation to me.

Thereafter, my circle of friends expanded much more, where i had the opportunity to mingle around all of the 'grouped ppl'. I am thankful for all who had came into my live, the roles they played and especially my mother who was the main instrument to my presence in Adelaide and UniSA. ... Those were among the best days of my life, in my existing consciousness. Dayo & Laiping, Wee See, May, Eric, Rosh, Irene, Allan, Chris, Aaron, Tili, Bernice, Alicia, Poh Ling, Anne, Karen, Gaya, Hendrick, Shermayne, Adrian, Sharm, Yumi, Sashi, Hanis!, Kok Tong, Justin, Freddy, Hema, Andrew, Gillian, Felicia and the whole gang of you. It was a wonderful time where we extended ourselves and encompassed, and accepted each other. I thank you and wish you all the best, Peace, and Eternal Joy.

Lord make me an instrument
Of thy peace, where there is hatred,
Let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that
I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we
Are pardoned, and it is in dying
That we are born to eternal life.

  - St. Francis

Hi people. I love to quote other people (yea, i dun usually have thoughts of ma own)  I don't even know if i am quoting in a logical sequence, or what point i am getting at. But once i have heard... that we need friends that would invite the goodness from within us, and thats how the goodness in us are nurtured and may grow strong. And i think we do treasure people, or circumstances that bring out the good qualities in us ay?

Well, of course the opposite of that is when we are 'triggered' to re-act out of bad intentions/feelings. Its probably true that, its really not the fault of the other person/ situations, as much as it is our liking and hating of what we make of it (?)

It is a great gain to be in the company of a wise person, who would point out our faults to us. And we should cherish such a person as if s/he were pointing out to us a hidden treasure (!) But, if we can't find such a person
(yet) or can't find a person thats on par with us, even so, we should not keep company with fools/ evil people/ or the morally debased. And why? because not only could they cause harm to us (to benefit themselves), but even worse, we would be dragged down to their level of debaseness.

Also, another thing i read before and reflected upon, was that if we are not quick to do good, or nourish our good qualities, then we would be prone to do evil. Thats a food for thought

I think the moral that can be drawn here is to be very careful of the company we keep. So that we encourage the goodness within to take root, before we are better able to act strongly, lovingly.

For me, also, i find that i want to exterminate the 'bad stuff' that i think i possess. This is self-hate. But it ain't making those bad qualities go away, at all (!) Then i read somewhere that we can, even, allow those things to be. That they too belong, that they too need our love.

Now, that's not to say that we shouldn't discriminate between what is good and what is not good. But, that we are careful not to act on those feelings that we know would cause harm to (equally) ourselves and others.

So also we do not create more problems around existing problems.

Okay, this session of preaching should be ended on a note of reflection... ... Human beings have a moral agreement, to keep by moral values, so that there is a level of trust that you will not cause me harm, and i will also not harm you. This trust gives a sense of ease and security, which is the basis of all peace that may come to be. And that is the basics of HappyLiving101 haha (am i preaching or what?! man!.. Anyway..) without this basis, you can't find God, because you would not have embodied His words. Therefore we should be careful with all our actions and speech, reflecting before doing.

[I hope, while writing the above, i have have gained more understanding of what i have written... ]

OK, updates on ME: stressful period, various factors including DATELINES (i was gonna type DEADLINES, yea it implies something! ) Fell sick a couple of days ago. Which is probably due to having neglected eating (uhuh) i was on a (unintended) fast (puasa) period for ... i think its been about 2 weeks? So, must sayang my body back la. so i am ending here to go home and cook a proper dinner  Take care people, (another quote) we all want to be happy, but sometimes that doesn't seem to reflect in our behaviours or attitudes. Lets ponder upon that

Pacing up with academic life, if not also trying to open up to social relations. Sensing certain strong reactions from within. A certain fuzziness, but getting a foothold i hope. ~Settling into living~ strange, could it be that i have been asleep for that many years. Probably evolving in a right way now, i hope. Whats a hundred years of life in terms of eternity or continuity?

living and dying. living and dying. Perhaps there is no real meaning to life. loving some things and then hating other stuff. Mmmm, confusing confusing.

How inconstant are compounded things!
Their nature:     to arise & pass away.
 They disband    as they are arising.
    Their total stilling is bliss.

The angels of all the heavens,
those who delight in creation,
& those in control:
    they are bound
    with the bonds of sensuality;
    they come again
    under Satan's sway.
The whole world is     burning.
The whole world is     aflame.
The whole world is     blazing.
The whole world is     provoked.
The Unprovoked, Unblazing
-- that people run-of-the-mill don't partake,
        where Satan's never been --
    that's where my heart truly delights.

(http://accesstoinsight.org/canon/sutta/samyutta/sn05-007.html)