I feel like such a lousy (read: irresponsible) student. Its like still on holiday, like uni is here 'ta entertain me or sumthin'

This week we learned about stress, and stress is when we perceive that the demands on us are more than our resources. So i am feeling alot like that now, study attitude wise, but more so financially n maybe socially too. I should get a job. I have been rethinking my plans to go to Melbourne in the April break, travel expense would really tax on my already minimal n tiny bank a/c. Even social life now cut down to minimal. Then can't afford internet at home either... its $16 a month, plus $60 installation fees (shared) pretty okay if i don't need to convert it to RM or if i have a part time job. BUT SHUCKSZ, sucks big time, so poor.

haha (yea rite, v.funny). Really ought seek a job, hopefully not at the expense of academic... gosh time flies (along with the money, yea...) Making meals take up time too, now i know lol

Okay so much for the -ve side of life for now. Will write some +ve when it feels +ve... hahaha

Well well... the days & nights sure seem to be flying by. When learning to cook, one must have patience & motivation to proceed, walk thru mistakes. Thats what i have been up to for the past one week. May you, you, be happy

"Song of Peace"

Me in Adelaide now (writing now in melbourne... but still...). 1st week official ends in Australia as student. Was homesick the first couple of dayz, but got better as became more occupied. Explored more of city with frens... well, count myself lucky to get a nice big room right next to uni... good for me, who always tend to be late :P

ERmmm kinda starved last week... cant cook :( But this week have to compensate la.. hehehe. ookok till next time

TAke care everyone... with a smile

Mom purchased for me a laptop (Toshiba Satellite 330b- i think). Got it kinda on the spot. I like fast deals... least hassle n delays. Took the Light Rail Transit to town n a bus to the famous gadget spot- (with mommy). Then kinda easily got convinced into buying a Toshiba about at our 3rd stop. Then on the 4th was flip flopping between an Acer (cheaper n wider screen), & the Tosh (better screen quality). Finally, chose the Toshiba n bought some empty black CDs n CD cases. Hopped on the bus, stucked in the jam (but din feel stuck) and went to Petaling St for some touristy shopping. Got some like 6 indian sorta uppergarment (to realise all were too big for me- though still wearable... this after coming home haha). Got some steamed peanuts and... hmm another kinda nut... yummy. So after bout 6 hours downtown, did most of what was to be done & ... all in a days work.

Feeling tired these days, probably because of the daily electric chair treatments... which improves blood circulation n cleanses the blood- these with mom n granny.

Oh, went to MidValley with 5th aunt n ate at this yummy indian vegetarian restaurant (buffet) which is along Chillis. Its a pay by donation for the food there. Amazing!! n they were so generous, even offering yogurt drinks n cakes. I went my first time bout 2 years back thinking it was a business opening promotion, n was half expecting the shop to be still there! whoala, its still by donation. (To promote vegetarianism they explained- how well meant). Anyway we enjoyed the meal n paid (i think) more than we had to, because they were generous, so generousity is what they beget.

Ok, tomorrow is another early day- going to meditate at centre at Old Klang Road with mommy from 9am-1pm. hehe

May all living beings be happy, be happy always.

Poof, much (qualitatively especially) has happened in me.

The 10-day (12 actually, front n back) meditation retreats were really truly intense growing experiences; because I came face to face with myself, squarely- there were no escapes. A person goes in & sits & lives in a meditation ground as him(/her)self, the tendencies and habits are the same. Just that one is much much much more self-aware. In there, there is 'noble silence' for 9days (save the last day)- no communication (verbal, written, gestures, eye-contact or anything). Oh God was it torturous for me.

Well, in my lastest (&2nd) retreat spanning from 21 Dec 2004-2 January 2005, It was 95% havoc (though i belief the majority enjoyed the experience), for me, because i was chaotic in daily life and this already for years on end, it was nearly a trauma. A good one because i had to face some devils.

For one, i realised what a self-centred person i had been (still am), with a hugehuge ego, a dull-mind, inattentive, unalive. No big change has come upon me, no, not at all. But at least now i am self-aware and can slowly n patiently work a way out of these habits. Well, another big issue was that had been lying (hiding the truth) from others for years, & how immoral that is really.

I guess a small step has been taken, and i will work hard to go ahead n beyond more evils. Thats all now.

If you fear pain,
if you dislike pain,
don't do an evil deed
in open or secret.
If you're doing or will do
an evil deed,
you won't escape pain:
    it will catch you
    even as you run away.

Clinging to sensuality, to sensual ties,
seeing no blame in the fetter,
never will those tied up in the fetter
cross over the flood so great & wide.

Blinded by sensuality
covered by the net,
veiled with the veil of craving,
bound by the bond of heedlessness,
    like fish in the mouth of a trap,
they go to aging & death,
like a suckling calf to its mother

Bound round with delusion, the world
only appears to be competent.
Bound with acquisitions, foolish,
surrounded by darkness,
it seems eternal,
    but for one who sees,
    there is nothing.